Would You Like a Little Rash With That Whine?

Juniper bushes are not very nice. The only good thing I can say about them is that they are the great-uncle of my favorite spirit, Gin. We have a gin-ormous monstrosity of a juniper bush in our front yard. It is at least seven feet tall, twenty feet long and about ten feet wide. I think it's meant to block the lights from oncoming car traffic, but it's hideous and I have always hated it. And I hate it even more now.

I was very proud of myself. Every year, I pay this company a gawd-awful sum of money to come and turn on the in-ground sprinkler system. Then I pay them another gawd-awful sum to drain it at the end of the season. Well... I've watched them turn it on enough times, that I figured "why pay them $100.00 to turn on a water switch and kick the dirt divits off the tops of the sprinkler heads when I can do it myself?" So I did it, with great success. Pat on the back.

Cue the stupid smelly juniper bush. The bloody thing had gotten so big it grew over the top of one of the sprayer heads and was completely blocking the spray. It's probably been like that for a couple of years and I never noticed because it's on the other side of the bush from the house. Did I say yet what a stupid bush it is?

I pulled out the clippers (which are actually meant to be wire cutters, but we've adopted them for branch trimming), and started trimming branches. And trimming. And getting sprayed. (why not turn off the water?~ you may well wonder: I wanted to see what branches needed trimming~ smooth move, eh?) But back to the story. I was trimming. And trimming. And (ouch) getting prickers in my hand (gardening gloves? Who needs 'em?) And trimming.

I now have a rash all over my hands and arms from the bush's prickers... and an only moderately unblocked sprinkler head. I am about to itch myself to death. Argghhh! Did I say I hate that bush? I'll give you $100.00 if you come and cut the thing down for me.

And yes, I am aware that the rash is all my fault. But it doesn't matter, because (and did I mention?) I hate that bush so it's automatically the bush's fault. The rash is probably the bush's payback for talking smack about it.

Now, please excuse me while I go and scratch myself silly.